It's not for me...

It’s not for me and you Forever, lost, false or true It’s for the girl in blue Who believes the stars are few The boy next door who looks no further You will never feel the love of another Distant cries of joy, moans of pleasure Certainly not you, but it’s all for her Beauty, hope & expectations in shadows Stay on a high, you won’t feel the lows Warm undertones of jewel & earthly glows It’s not for you, it’s gone as the wind blows Misty-eyed, tears flowing & dreams shattered It’s not for you, you never mattered They have it all; petals, ashes scattered It’s not for you & me, blood splattered

Not just Yet

An oddly coloured shadow
Looking up from down below
Questions unanswered, sorrow spent
Answers, that nothing meant

I think of you when I'm sleeping
Only to wake up screaming, weeping
Endless sleep & hours of waking
Courage broken & arms aching

I think but I cannot feel
A forgotten squirrel's squeal
Whispered nothings, a fleeting smile
Be mine, even if for just a while

An unmending, aching heart
Forgiven, unmoved, lovers part
I gaze lovingly at the stars
And you; deep gaping scars

A trail of unkissed gold
An unloved woman, bold
I dream of the paths forgotten
The unquierving gaze of lustful men

I laugh, I pray, I hope,
Shattered sandcastles, I mope
I want to escape it all
But then, I hear you call

It's forever or all for nothing
Broken notes; fallen angels sing
Drawing close, soothing zephyr
I promise I'll keep you forever
Nu

Kill ME

Why does the heart want what it wants?
Even the impossible, an array it flaunts
The forbidden fruit is always the sweetest
Loving greetings exchanged in jest

He pushed me off a cliff
Of his intention, not a whiff
He left me hanging, staring
Into an abyss; a semblance of caring

My heart ripped to shreds
Unconquered rivers, towns & heads
Driving me to maim, hurt & kill
And 'twas just for a thrill

The Sea

Watching the slowly setting sun
She stared longingly onto the horizon
Waves lapping against the shore
Again & again and never more

Of what could be but never was
Of meaningless ethics & humanitarian laws
There were countless promises to fulfil
An endless climb, steadily uphill

They meant nothing; it was all she had
Never bound together, a roaming nomad
Words that were never strung
Into sentences; songs never sung

A nameless voice fading into the distance
Surrounding, gathering – a fog dense
Enveloping, firm yet gentle – blend
Existence, joy- vanished, vanquished, an end

Days and nights filled with anticipation
The inexplicable, heart-wrenching hesitation
Fruitless tries, in your head on repeat
Two ice-creams and a hurried meet

Fleeting glances, never-ringing phone beeps
That fear of the unknown; of faith, a leap
Ideas all channelled down the same tunnel
The infinite loop; think , ponder and mull

Wishing for the sun to never come up
And then never sink in the horizon; A roundup
Of incomplete sentences & unexpressed emotion
Reality far removed from created notion

Of foggy evenings, skipping ropes,
Unfinished thoughts & dashed hopes
When it fits too perfectly to be right
An unhappy ending in plain sight

Joys multiplied manifold, sorrows quelled
Disoriented thoughts, miseries dwelled
Upon, with grey clouds overhead, forlorn
For it’s only ephemeral; it’ll be gone

The guise of forever, shattered
Pieces of broken glass & hearts, scattered
Gashes, open wounds, blood splattered
‘But, then, it never really mattered.’

The morning light streaming in
Racing heartbeats pulsating within
The aftermath of a seemingly endless storm
The after-glow, an inexplicable warm

Twelve dozen promises strung together on a lie
The unwilling urge to move forward and try
Endless tears hazing out a broken smile
A deep sigh making it all worthwhile

The chance to think, stay strong
The unmistakable strangeness of a familiar song
Six weeks of turmoil and terror
Bated breaths, no room for error

Trepidation, a room full of grief
Prayers, lost hope, lost faith, lost belief
Momentary joy stemming from a stolen glance
Tree-lined streets, the start of a hopeless romance

The chance to trust and let go
The prospect of discovery, exciting and slow
To open up and let him in
Your silence amidst a chorusing din

The fresh thirst of a new start
Iron gates lain open around a wounded heart
A scary, unquestioned trace of belonging
A broken heart’s unending longing

Unfinished, Unending.

I’d promised this would be about me
All the wonderful things that’re a living reality
Dreams that stayed just that- dreams
Midnight terrors, shaking with fear & screams

I clutch at the last hanging thread
My life flashes through my head
In a matter of minutes from love
To undying fear, fearsome shapes above

It was to last; it just is the last
I’d never thought it’s come to a closet this fast
I go over the last few years
I’d wanted to conquer all my fears

I’d wanted to chase the wind, run free
Explore the world, find answers to this mystery
I only ran deeper into the trap
Lightning, rainstorms & thunderclaps

Promises made to the only man
I’d ever wanted to be; I had a plan
The world exists to take on & distract
Perhaps, a few wrong turns I’d like to retract

Or maybe simply start over
Hazy memories, a terrible blur
A solo existence, wrought with pleasure
Boundless triumph, beyond measure

A field of tulips that did not bloom
Criticism, rejection & deadlines loom
It’d have been but for that one sunny day
When I set out & got lost along the way

Of folly, friendships, successes & reprimands
Of pessimism, fights & unfinished errands
I’ll soar above, let go
Learn everything there is to know

I’d even wanted to pen down
Joyous moments & memories that’d abound
There were never any made, such is fate
And, now, I’d like to start over; it’s too late.

Of Nothingness & Beyond

An endless spiral of nothingness
And wishes abound with ‘God Bless!’
When you’re at that point of breaking
Breaking down, and your heart urges you to sing

Shattering into a million pieces
Each shard a reminder of lost bliss
Lost you say? It never was
Unattainable, really, that’s the cause

For you dared to dream
Beyond what can only seem
To be real, for in fact
it’s an illusion, a well done tact

You resign to one wretched corner
Silently, rocking back & forth you murmur
To yourself, the same things over
The worldly things that only were

Of infinite achievement, an illustrious wall
You’re that spot, unseen, you feel small
And only then does it dawn
upon you, you’re just a pawn

Caught up in a meaningless fight
That isn’t yours, you cannot be right
Four seconds of everything you can desire
Erupting into hallowed, hollow fire

Embers thrashing, where sparks flew
And you didn’t even suspect you knew
They’d only ever wanted to burn
‘Twas just a matter of it being your turn

And those moments of love
Memories, lost to fumes rising above
Into a world of beyond & away
Take me, me too, you say


There are no voices, only silence
They engulf you, clouds dense
Endless cries lost to the breeze
Slipping with utmost ease

Leaving you scratched & bleeding in the process
A beautifully arranged, labelled mess
Except they don’t match & never will
Such deceit is an enviable skill

You want it all over & more
Raw wounds & scathing sores
You decide to head out & settle score
It’s only not to be had, like before

For answers you beg & yearn
There were no questions, you’ll never learn
A promised treasure replete with a map
Brambles with gold beyond, merely a trap

And all you’d had to look for was
that little green book of those laws
That do not exist & aren’t followed
Waiting to reap harvests that weren’t sowed

The trees speak an unknown tongue
You swear, you’d known this when you were young
Out of apples & seas, drawing sense
‘Twas only ever untruths & pretence

You long for a non-existent escape
Down the tunnel, you gape
There’s hope, joy, a ray of light
It’s only luring you back to fight

It exists only ever to entice
Entangle, strangle you in a web of lies
Over a square, you engrave a circle
A rock forced down, smashing your skull


Rocks & bullets whir past
It’s the end, just the last
Banners of anguish unfurl
Red, soaked in tears, for real

You can catch them as they fall
Be brave, stand up, stand tall
Invent ideas, faith to follow & abide
A gust blows it out & aside

On a boat, to battle the tide
Oh! I’ll enjoy the roller-coaster ride
Death seems like an easy escape
Or an escape atleast, yet, it’s fake

You die bit by bit, a little each time
Words by the dozen, letters for a dime
Growing louder, until it’s a deafening din
Bruised, aching, you give your all in.

‘Twas just another day when you walked in
Something clicked, gears shifting within
I swear, I’ve never felt this way before
I’m confused, I couldn’t be more sure

I’ve got no names to call this
Every label’s a hit & miss
I think of you, always & never
That unbelievable promise of forever

And I knew right from the start
That you’d not ever break my heart.
Full of joy, ‘twas a wonderful thing
That never stopped, an unfinished beginning

As I wrapped my arms around your waist
Sinful pleasures never felt so chaste
It was all moving so very fast
And I was certain it’d last

I needed you every minute
And you said you were in it
For that eternal bliss
And, all I got was this

In every unknown place
You were my familiar face
You were all I could desire
The sight of you kindling my fire

We got as close as two can be
As one, our love was clear to see
To those we met & those we did not
You were the only that I sought

My dream, my wish, my singular thought
And I asked for it all, not a lot
Hand in hand, gazing at the moon
Your words, your voice making me swoon

I cherish every moment with you spent
Your eyes, your hair, your touch, your scent
And then you left without a good-bye
With that other, wonderful guy.

A long night of possibilities endless
A calm soul; frantic, restless
A cavern of unheard gurgling
The solitude of rushed beginnings

I stand thinking; staring out into the distance
Unanswered longings; a hard, cold stance
Rocky mountains rising from a plain of dirt
Lush green; a broken heart full of mirth

Singing with joy; broken shards of glass
Piercing, tearing apart all, all alas!
A mockery of each trivial little
Strong, fragmented, jointed, brittle

Of words stolen and lies broken
The death of an unforgiving word, unspoken
I go on, I hesitate, I don’t think twice
An invaluable chance, bought at no price

Waving goodbyes far as the eye can see
Longing, lusting, I let the shattered be
For that warmth, that joy I yearn
That ephemeral touch I will unlearn.